Calgon, take me away

I am a failure today. It happens from time to time to everyone, to some more than others, I suppose, but today's seriously my day.

My sense of accomplishment is low and my list of wants/ wishes/ desires is high, too high. Champagne taste on a beer budget and no need to celebrate completing step one when there are 16,999 more steps to travel and it took you all day and multiple trips over myself to even complete the first.

I don't want salvation. I don't want words of encouragement or advice on how to manage my time, my resources or my sanity. Maybe that's part of my problem, but that all sounds patronizing to me. And I hate feeling patronized.

I want to feel peace when I stop to enjoy a fun time, not a sense that this fun is at the expense of something else I should be doing or that it's a temporary band-aid for the perpetually open wound of my typical feelings & to do list, even when I know that's not really true. I do have MUCH to be grateful for, and I am. I don't mean to discount any of that.

And at the same time... my house is full of piles of so much crap that I don't even have the faintest clue how to begin organizing it or what, if anything, to get rid of. With all this square footage, why doesn't it seem like we have enough space? Bedrooms, storage, work and play areas. I can't remember the last time I vacuumed or fully cleaned the bathrooms myself, and I hate that I'd much rather someone else does it.

Today I tried to focus on a fun outing for Doodlebug. I think I try that often. But he, as is typical, pitched a fit before we even got out the door. He pitched a fit when we arrived and during the event. He got a time out. He got fun stuff taken away until he earned it back. We went to lunch and I agreed to the place that he wanted, but with caveats for his good behavior in order to earn dessert and playground time. He fought me at almost every turn. I felt like an ogre, a dictator, an abuser, a hard ass. And a failure. I took him to the bathroom - with prior warning of consequence vs. reward - and spanked him. His butt was still pink when we got home. :( I told him in the car to just don't talk to me, and I turned up my radio so that I couldn't hear him even if I wanted to. I can't remember ever yelling so ferociously at him. He pushed every mom-guilt button he knows - and he's smart enough to know just about all of them - and I would not comfort him or give in. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it sure feels like shit. I'm still in gestapo mode with him now, as he tries every ploy is his huge book of how to avoid quiet (nap) time upstairs in his room.

I told him that sometimes it's better to be the nicest instead of the smartest, and that being smart doesn't mean much if you don't care about other people.

I can't friggin believe it! Even as I sit here trying to vent out all my frustration, I've just come back for the FIFTH time from putting him back in his room. ( !!!!!!! ) I don't understand why I can't catch a break. I used to think it was because he resents having the daycare kids here, but it's been a week since their last day and I'm still dealing with Doodle's shit. Thank god my m-i-l isn't here right now, cuz I really dont think I could handle her diapproving looks or hearing about what an angel he was while she babysat this weekend. Sometimes I just want to tell her, "Yep, and that's why YOUR kids all had such a successful, easy time getting into adulthood- cuz you caved to their every whim and complaint. Oh wait! All your kids AREN'T successful, and they're STILL a money and emotional drain on you! Oops, my bad on that. Sorry!" Man, if only that'd help stop the feeling of disapproval I get from her. sigh. OK, I digress.

So maybe I only went upstairs four times. But c'mon. Really? And then to face Doodle's shit-eating grin about putting me at his beck and call????

You know, if I knew or thought that a bath - or even a deep massage, pedicure, blah blah blah - would "cure" my anxiety (rather than put it off for just a few minutes), I'd be rushing out to find me the nearest fix. But, back in reality, I think I'll go hit the To Do list again instead. I also think I've got some serious thinking to do.