Things that i've learned

... about dealing with and being with Reinar...

~He will not bow to what's expected of Him. In fact, He will very actively buck against that. So if you expect flowers or phone calls, you will be sorely disappointed. If you expect Him to go out of His way to overtly care for you before Himself, you will be disappointed.
~He will eagerly and appreciatively go out of His way to overtly show above and beyond what you'd hoped for, when/if it's not expected AND when He sees that you're ok with Him "as is." Meaning: you dont hold Him to stereotypical expectations, you dont conform Him to your will- or to anyone's traditional will, for that matter- and you remain truly happy to be with Him. And, when you're happy at that, He will honestly amaze you and bring you to tears of joy at how simply He can make you even happier than you ever expected. (Gasp! there's that word again: "Expect"!)

Why do I bother saying this? I guess it's because sometimes I see my "former self" in others that deal with Reinar and want so much from Him. They know He has "it" in Him, but they dont know how to get it out of Him. And the thing is, the more they try, the harder they'll fail. Talk about a catch-22!

I also wonder if people assume our relationship has always been champagne and roses, when- in fact- it hasn't. It's only been a year since I felt my true "come to Jesus" moment about my relationship with Reinar, when I realized that, in the previous six years, I had only *thought* my heart had broken admidst our various disagreements. Yes, they were gut wrenching... but not like at the beginning of 2008. And I dont want others to think, as others struggle with their own journey, that we've never been in their shoes. I mean that both in terms of submission and also in regard to both R and me in our long term relationship.

I realized the words for my journey this morning. My heart was broken... and when I put it back together, it was molded to better suit Reinar. Once I had that defining moment of, literally, "Should I stay or go?" I decided to be at peace with our relationship. Then, suddenly, Reinar's "faults" were no longer faults; they were just parts of Him... that no longer bothered me. In fact, it made me happy to see Him enjoying the pursuit of happiness (when often it made me sad, resentful, jealous, insecure, questioning, etc).

I cannot expect my partner to change. I can only change myself. Whether those changes have been for the better or not, I can't say for sure. But I do know that I dont regret the path I've chosen, nor have any remorse for the Partner who leads my journey.

It does me no good to stress over things (or People) that I can't control. So I try to focus on what I can control and on what brings my family and me happiness. Of course it's a juggling act sometimes; and some days it even feels like a disappearing act. But I think I'm stronger than I used to be (which has always been pretty darn strong, imo); and I know I'm lucky to have come out the other end of my misery as steadier, more stable than I used to be.

I just hope that those who start a similar journey- whether it be submission, marriage, or whatever kind of long term relationship they seek... well, I hope they have fortitude, commitment, and the inner strength to know what they want and how to get it (even when they currently feel that's impossible).

I dunno. I'm rambling now. Wish I had the words to better express myself!